Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Me!

So another year has gone by. What promises will we make ourselves this year that we'll totally disregard in about 2 months time? Have we learned anything new about ourselves or about life in general? You hope that as humans we keep evolving and growing but do we? There are times I feel so stagnant like nothing within me is evolving or changing except for the face that I see in the mirror and we won't even go there. For women that is one sad journey! Its only because we tie in so much of our emotional life to how we look and aging is a big step in the evolutionary cycle of our lives and it happens whether we want it to or not, for most of us anyway.
Okay, this is the first resolution I would like to make, I would like to stop judging myself. Stop judging my looks, my weight, what I haven't accomplished. I am so tired of waking up every morning and going over what I won't eat today so I don't gain weight. What I won't wear so I don't look fat or how much makeup I need to cover up some god-forsaken flaw that only I can see.
How about we do the opposite of dieting? Why don't we try eating when we're actually hungry and not just salads. Lets actually eat what we enjoy but in moderation. Why don't we stop obsessing over exercising a certain number of hours in a week and just move. Go out and take a walk with a friend or move all your furniture and dance.
I am so bored with having conversations that go like this: "Oh my god I feel so bloated today I think I gained 20 pounds over the holidays but I'm starting this NEW DIET the first of the year where I only eat the crust of the bread and the juice of a banana for a month and I'll lose like 30 pounds in a week". Seriously? C'mon we have to stop tying our happiness to our weight and our looks.
There are much more serious things in life than your jean size or how many wrinkles you have around your eyes when you smile. Mind you I am not saying to load up on fried foods and throw all vanity out the window but we as a people have to stop with this obsession, me included.
Another resolution, learn how to take a compliment. How many times has someone said something complimentary to you and you come up with a hundred reasons for why they're wrong? I do it all the time. You are essentially calling them liars and its none of your business. These are they're opinions and its not your job to question them. The proper response for a compliment is "THANK YOU", thats all but its surprising how hard it is to accept any complement graciously.
Last resolution, to not be so judgmental of others. Nothing is ever completely black and white. We don't know what people go through everyday and sometimes people just need a break. I want to be a more patient person with myself and with others. We are all just trying to get by, to survive with dignity and hopefully with a little happiness thrown in. Try smiling at someone you don't know. Helping someone without be asked to help. Sometimes just giving up your seat on a subway to someone that looks pretty tired will do. Ask yourself how you can be a better person this year and make a reasonable resolution, one you can stick to. Smiles are cheap but they're made of gold.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


Its a cold, cloudy NY day and I'm in a melancoly mood so here goes my poetic drival:

There is madness sitting on the periphery of everything I do. This mania coupled with debilitating misery, is all encompassing at times. Like its trying to swallow me whole.
If I am known as a 'rational' being and I experience such desolation, what do 'irrational' beings experience and how far into madness do they fall?
The hours, minutes and days pass. I feel them go by like a freight train, a whispers breath, always so hard to grasp.

Can another being really make us feel whole, alive?
Can they take the emptiness and the doubt and banish it from the very fiber of our souls?
Is there any real purpose in humans suffering all of this malaise? Where is the answer man when you need him. Is there an app for that?
When its all done, will we look back and reach some pinnacle of understanding and self-awareness or are we all preconditioned in the art of melancholy to just feel.....too much or perhaps nothing at all.
If we were lobotomized one heart string at a time......
But what kind of world would it be then?

If indifference took over and there were no stakes involved, what would we hope for? Where would our dreams go when we wouldn't even care if they were ever realized?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

And The Winner Is......

Award shows are like catnip for actors. We watch these programs and our insides get all gooey and fucktastic! We start humping pillows, running around, talking into hairbrushes and remotes and getting all teary-eyed. What we are actually doing is visualizing our own moment on that stage. Imagining what we would say, who we would thank, what we would wear. Its the prom and I win 'home cumming' queen every year.

Does that sound strange? psychotic? perhaps borderline schizophrenic? Well, I will admit; its a lot of all of the above but, it is a tried and true tradition every year around this time. In my house anyway.

There are the Emmys, The Sag Awards, The Golden Globes, The Daytime Emmys etc. all leading up to the biggest wet dream of them all, The OSCARS!!!!
I have tried to comprehend what these emotions are all about and we do, when I say we I mean actors, tend to psychoanalyze ourselves from time to time. (to be honest, we do it all the time, who am I kidding) Its just the nature of the beast really and it helps with what we do so its a win/win if you like torture.

There is so much insecurity in all of us but with actors it is such a contradiction. Most of us love to be on stage but have a fear of public speaking. We love to see our name in lights but hate when all of the attention is focused on us. I know that many actors, myself included, hate watching themselves on screen. Why you ask? Because we know ourselves enough to know that no one can rip our performances apart like we can. No one is more judgmental and critical of our work, appearance, or every conceivable flaw, then we are.
And we also know that once we see ourselves 'acting' it will forever inhibit our next performance. This will all lead to being stuck in our heads instead of alive within the context of the world we should be immersed in (the make-believe world of the scene people). You've heard the expression 'get out of your head' well I think that's where it came from.

We actors live in a town called 'self loathing'. Its on the outskirts of 'ego' and 'narcissism' and to the left of a little cul-de-sac called 'recognition' and 'acceptance'. We crave and are all of these lovely words rolled into one; remember what I said about contradictions?

I sometimes encounter people who are so cut-off from their emotions that I think, "isn't that horrible, not being able to feel things to any extreme"; but then it dawns on me, they might be the lucky ones. To most, those people are known as 'even keeled'. I on the other hand, feel things in extremes. When something hurts, its crushing. When I'm happy, its a holiday. The total and complete opposite of 'even keeled'. But every once in a while I feel very, very lucky to be able to feel so much emotion and to have that at my disposal. Like when I'm auditioning for a scene that requires you to rip your heart out. Then I think, "no problem, one heart coming up". The harder and more gut wrenching the scene is, the more I enjoy it. We are extremely masochistic creatures as well. But we live to express what we feel and that can be crippling at times.

So on this Emmy night, I want to wish all actors, the privilege and joy of feeling each emotion as it passes through you. To feel the giddiness, the racing heart, the sweaty palms, the paralyzing fear, doubt, unworthiness, the extreme euphoria and especially the hope. The never-ending hope that you need to keep chasing this wonderful, crazy, passionate, fantastical, unpredictable dream that is the actor's life.

I would like to thank.......

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Whats up with all the Vampires?

From my headline you would assume I'm not down with the vamps but that is so not true!!!

I am a total vampire lover. It started with "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" and has continued now with the 'Twilight' series. I have to admit, I am not sure if the attraction lies in the fact that these men are vamps, or if its the way they communicate with the women they love.

Lets be honest, we're all feminists, well most of the people I know anyway. Free thinkers, liberals. We don't want to be told what to do from anyone, least of all a man. BUT and this is a big BUT, there is something about a man taking control, not in a manipulative way but in a loving way, that is still very much a turn-on. They are the ultimate bad boys and we can't get enough!

With 'Angel & Buffy', Joss Wheadon created the perfect love story except for one little clause, 'Buffy and Angel' can't have sex or 'Angel' turns into 'Angelus' who is the evil side of 'Angel'. (This transformation involved gypsies and a curse that gave 'Angelus' a soul many centuries ago. A whole back story is involved) Truth be told, 'Angelus' was hot!!! He was crude, sexy and evil as hell but we loved it. Of course what everyone was really responding to was the actor who brought this character to life, David Boreanaz.

Flash forward 6 years later and 'Twilight' the movie comes out. Once again what the world is responding to is the actor that plays 'Edward Cullen' who now epitomizes all things 'Edward', Robert Pattinson. As soon as I saw the movie, I was pretty much done. I read all the books in a weekend and was left wanting much, much more. As most people who have read the books know, its quite an easy and innocent read but there are huge chunks of story missing (i.e. the sex parts) which leave you very unsatisfied and wanting more.

Most people assume that this story only appeals to teenagers which is totally false. I believe women, regardless of their age, crave this kind of all consuming love and wish to feel this at least once in their lives. This sort of 'knight in shining armor' or 'knight in shiny Volvo' in the case of 'Twilight'; where you basically lose your mind and your panties in the process. Yes he's a bit overprotective and there is also that little obstacle that might get in the way called 'bloodlust' where he might actually kill you but what the hell, its hot!

Thanks to this current obsession, I have discovered something called 'Fanfiction' which will hold me over till the next movie fix. I feel like I'm divulging a deep dark secret but IT IS AMAZING!!! These women are truly gifted writers. Not only do they have amazing imaginations but my god, can they describe a sex scene like nobody's business!

They have names like LolaShoes, tby789, Lipsmacked and Tara Sue Me and they are all above the age of 20. They create whole worlds surrounding these 'Twilight' characters that are so facinating and hard to put down that I find myself carrying these stories around with me all the time. Did I mention they are extremely sexually graphic? Just the way us 'grown-ups' like them. Some of these stories span thousands of pages with so much detail and time put into them, its mind boggoling. They even have a podcast called "Twigasm". Where they discuss their favorite authors, recommend stories, give shout outs to fanfiction newbies; its just an amazing community that keeps on growing. They never apologize for their sexual appetites or their blatant love of all things Rob Pattinson and they keep everyone reading.

These ladies are a perfect examples of how many non-teenagers are in love with this 'Twilight" world and after reading quite a few of these stories myself, I am pretty sure there are plenty of husbands and boyfriends that have benifited from these lovely ladies' imaginations. Happy Reading!!!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Somewhat of a dream come true

So I got the call today....What call you ask? Well, its the call to appear on a soap opera. Yes, I am an actress, born and raised in NYC. But like most, I also have a day job that helps keep me a float till 'that day' comes. You know what that means don't you? Every actor knows that 'the day' is referring to the day you are finally given the chance to prove you can act, you have talent, you have 'the it' factor. But to be honest, in this day and age, that doesn't seem to carry much weight anymore.
In the current world of reality TV and stalkarazzi, anyone and everyone can become famous if the scandal is good enough and the sex video is risque enough. I chose the old-fashioned way; working my ass off for 10 years and still waiting for the headline above my head to read 'over-night success' WAITING!)

10 years ago I started telling myself that I could make this happen. I have always had a calling for this. In fact I remember 'acting' my way out of plenty of trouble. Its a little disheartning to realize how much time I wasted on career paths that were not my passion. All because I was so worried and insecure about what others thought and believing that my dreams would never come true.

As kids we believe anything is possible because we're naive and inexperienced. Then as teenagers, you go through that horrible time of being consumed with all of these crazy hormones and insecurities. So, time keeps passing and life throws you many curve balls and before you know it, you're 29, in a marriage you really don't want to be in, living a life that you no longer want and finally realizing that everyone has insecurities and obstacles to get through and thats when you need to ask yourself; whats more important? What people think of you or what you think of yourself?

At 29, you finally start learning who you are and who you want to become. You start asking the tough questions like 'what will it take for me to be at peace with the choices I've made and live my life to the fullest'? For me, the word 'Freedom' kept popping up and it slowly became the thing that drove me to change my life completely.

So that was when I started setting this dream into motion. Little did I know that 'making it' was going to take a hell of alot more then just setting my mind to it. There are alot more NO'S in this business then there are YES'S but I suppose thats what makes it worth while. Nothing that comes too easy is worth having, so they say. So here I am, still chasing the dream and hopefully one day soon I will be living it.